Handle With Care: An Unhelpful Guide To Self-Love

Someone recently asked me about how I came to embrace my own unique individuality. I’m very fortunate to have been surrounded by a family made up of unique individuals who continually encouraged me to experiment with style, question the status quo and explore. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t suffered from a lack of confidence, on the contrary; after I landed in Manchester my confidence took a gigantic dip that was not helped by lockdown.

Over the past year or so I’ve made friends with people who I know did not hold my best interests at heart nor hold themselves to the same standards as I do. I have since let them leave my life and am all the better for it. That’s not to say that I didn’t value the friendship but that they happened at a space and time when I needed them and felt like I could distract myself from focusing on my own dreams, needs and desires.

I’ve gone through phases of hating myself, hating my body, my scars, mind and the space I occupy, to phases of feeling absolutely nothing; no joy, no pain, just a void and I’m truly glad that I can say that I’m no longer in that space anymore. But to get here has taken a lot of time, love, support and forgiveness. I’ve had to be kinder to myself for the mistakes I’ve made and try to learn from them. And one of the things that I realize it that getting to know myself is a lot of fun. I’m now in the space of choosing my friends wisely. People, who don’t always agree with me, uplift me, teach me things, and can match my playfulness and silliness. Life is too short to settle for anything less. If you don’t learn to love yourself first then it makes it harder to love yourself after other people walk into (or out of) your life. And also confidence and self-love aren’t always constant states of being for me. Sometimes I have to fake it, sometimes I think I might actually pass for a functional human being, other times I couldn’t care less. But even if the self-love is faint, or sometimes feels non-existent, I know it’s in there somewhere, maybe in a really good cup of tea, or watching the magpies waddle past in their feathered tuxedo because self-love doesn’t always have to be internal, but also in the moments of appreciating the external.

Society doesn’t help. It puts people under the pressure of needing to be cool or liked, as if being alone were terrifying. That's not to say that social rejection isn't painful in itself. I’ve never grown up with that damaging thought process (for which I’m very grateful) but instead, was told to try my best. I also had no qualms about being alone due to my vivid imagination and love of fictional characters. Being different makes the world a very eclectic place to exist. If we all looked, thought, dressed, talked and acted the same we’d all be robots. I’ve never been afraid of people not liking me, on the contrary, I’d always been afraid of hurting people’s feelings until I realized that if I’m hurting while doing that then I need to walk away.

These are things no one tells you about. Those small micro aggressive moments that get under your skin. It’s taking me a long time for me to stand up for myself and frankly I’m still learning to and I do occasionally chicken out (another thing people rarely admit) because I’m no longer scared of hurting people’s feelings if the situation is appropriate I’m more scared of not being true to who I am, and if people don’t like it I don’t see why I should care.

Having people in my life who love me for me (silly, childish, inappropriate and weird as I am) is a gift that I never take for granted because I know not everyone has that in their lives. And if you don’t the only thing I can say is be patience because the people who can enrich your life will be worth it, also you’ll probably  have to go through a lot of fake friends to get there unfortunately. In the journey of making friends associating with people who don’t align with how you think or feel is a normal thing, society has also not cultivated the idea that a friendship should be spiritually revitalizing or that we shouldn’t settle for anything but.

If you’re in a location or social situation on your own, it can be daunting and you may find yourself clinging to the first person who talks to you, this is also slightly normal, unhealthy yes, but also normal, so how do you find the courage to do things on your own? You challenge the idea that being independent is terrifying, that rejection is the end of the world. Doing things on your own doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help, it means you make the conscious decision to put yourself first, and this, like all things takes practice.