I celebrated "Freedom Day" (the UKs release from Lockdown restrictions) by going to the beach. I've always found the sun has healed my aches and pains and it never fails to brighten up my day (pun fully intended), and so to be breathing in the crisp sea air was one of the best ways I could think of spending the day.
I've pushed myself in a lot of different ways in the last month and I've noticed that I'm currently dealing with emotional overload which is why I am currently devoid of emotional attachment to anything. I'm okay, I feel no joy, no sadness, not even numbness or peace. I'm in a strange limbo that enables me to go through the motions of caring when I actually don't. Whenever I had depression and had these feelings I used to called them "meh" feelings. They always arrived after an intense emotion ordeal. I think depression has many negative impacts but the passive states of it are rarely discussed. As someone who always feels things intensely it's always draining so, of course, I get emotionally, empty, "meh" days because it's impossible for me to be happy and bouncy all the time.
I feel like this state of being that I'm writing about is never talked about.
As I laid down on the beach, listening to the waves and various people around me, I just soaked up the sun that my body always seems to be craving. I didn't spend too much time in the water because every few paces along the shore I found the remains of stranded jellyfish so I was too chicken to risk staying in the water for five minutes.
The word freedom means a lot of different things to me. It means someone had to sacrifice something on their journey to a better life. It means the burden of a weight you don't ask for. It means your courage will be tried and tested and that you may not always succeed. Freedom is a door, unreachable and locked at times, partially open at others. Freedom is an exchange of values, rights, opinions and traditions. Freedom is never free and comes at the cost of someone else's blood, sweat, tears and dreams.
The luxury of life is simply complex. As we breath, someone else in the world is taking their last.
I may be independent but I don't think I'm free, free of the constraints that I put myself under, free of the stereotypes others put me under, free of the pressures that society expects me to be able to stand up to. It would be nice to be a mess all the time, to not be perfect but a first impression is often irreversible if it's a damaged one and so I hide the messy, moody days from everyone except the people who know me well.
I've found myself being too honest, too sensitive, or not caring at all. Sometimes I don't use the current freedom I have to my advantage, choosing sleep or watching movies over going out and exploring but now I think I'm kinder to myself. Sometimes my body just isn't up to it, other times I'm just too lazy.
There are moments that I've had that remind me not to take my freedom for granted, moments that I've captured with my camera phone. That's my contribution to the people I love, and to myself, to capture my moments of quiet joy and share them if I'm able to.
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