The Mancunian Yank

 Peel Park explorations, Hybrids and hives of activity,  Knowledge atop the ends of fluffy feet, My arch enemy, stairs, look greatly, Majestically down upon me... Until I have to hike my butt up them to leave.

Today I am celebrating my 33rd birthday, and in typical British fashion have decided to celebrate it all week. As someone who thought they would never actually live to see their 17th birthday, I am taking this week as an opportunity to put myself first and celebrate all of the wonderful things this city has gifted me. On the 4th, ironically America's Independance Day, I shall be celebrating my independance by voting in the UK Parlimentary general elections. And on the 5th I shall be performing for the very first time at Band On The Wall, a showcase that allows me to finally share he very begininng of my creative musical journey under the care and tutelage of Levi Love.  To be world premiering my work at such a prestigiously historical venue s mindblowing to me until my ego interupts me and says "Of course your first show has to be in one of the biggest music venue spaces in this entire city, duh."  My minor accomplishments have never been that small, when I actually take ...

 My body is not a temple to be worshiped by many, My body is a forest, deceptively alluring, Captivating to the open eye, Winter hides the gloom and the promise of a better tomorrow, the death, the grief, the pain, Spring sweeps lazily through the seasonal door, It is time to clean house, For the roots of my truth are deep, I have many different ecosystems of thought and feeling, most harmonious, a few not so, Now is my time to protect my peace, for my birds of dreams, my worms and beetles of evolution and change and for the home of my soul.......

 Language and words are complex and difficult at times. This month I have struggled with physical and mental illnesses that have left me voiceless.  I have managed to get through that time thanks to the love and support of friends and family. When I first lost my voice at the beginning of this month it was because I could no longer speak to people. Words have power and the pain I was in had taken my words. I realised I could not speak because I could not be honest, I could not be kind, I was tired of giving, caring, healing others with my words of love and I felt like something had destroyed me. With love and kindness my words returned the following day only to be struck with a dose of tonsillitus and then conjunctivitus that would leave me speechless yet again. These events have served as I reminder, as I am still recovering four weeks into this month, that I am not obligated to give what I do not have, that my voice is mine, my words are precious, and I am, in this moment, s...

  The Quiet Room Intrinsically obligated to serve, Do you think the  artist just saw a plate of cheese on the table and was like....I can do that? Head bowed in servitude but only in a prostrate submissive form. It's not that I can see it, it's that you can't  unsee it. Looking at it long enough the angles are not only angular but long enough. I should go, away from this quiet place but it's comforting here. Here, these walls hold the part of me that was so scared, the part of me that put my best foot forward in the frozen snow. What a long path of misstroden woes and forgotten beguilements.

Last Thursday, 13th July I had the greatest honour of being a part of the Music and Mind podcast, Live at Festival Square as a part of MIF 23. If you've followed my blog at all then you know I threw myself into MIF21 with everything I had, performing as a part of the dance piece Sea Change. Reform and MIF will always hold a special place in my heart for helping me through some very difficult struggles that I've had with my mental health since moving to Manchester at the end of 2019.  I love having any opportunity to talk about mental health issues and to hear other people's experiences.  On the Festival Square stage, I was joined by host Levi Love (who's been teaching me music production), Mancunian poet and activist Janine Reid and Amy, a DJ and lived experience peer support worker. Amy's role as a peer worker is the first of it's kind and as she spoke about the importance of the role and her own experiences I had no doubt in my mind that she is going to smash ...

Thanks to Save Our Scene Manchester I get to start making one of my biggest dreams a reality. Something I knew a long time ago that I would never be able to accomplish on my own. The project has given it's full support (plus funding) to the world renowned DJ/ music producer and co-founder of  the 1520 studios label Levi Love, who is teaching me not only all the basics of producing but who is also providing me with the tools I need to produce, and become more confident with singing and performing.  Levi is also a respected doctor in psychiatry. Ironically, I found my voice and song-writing gift during one of the deepest bouts of my depression as a 17 year old. Needless to say I'm finally in a space to sort my head out after more than 20 years. So far we've had two amazing and magical sessions so far. I'd had to cancel two due to ill health, one physical and the other mental. I couldn't have asked for a better teacher to be honest. Levi reassured me that there was no ...

 A lot has changed for me in the last year. For one thing, I passed all of my exams including Functional Skills Maths and English, and  Bookkeeping Level 1. I admit, I did burst into tears when I opened my mail and pulled out my maths certificate.  I'd stopped my academic education at 13, and fortunately my parents enrolled me in artistic pursuits instead of letting my depression shut down my brain completely. It always remained a quiet point of shame for me that I'd never been able to do my GCSEs, something I'd never told my family. At the time my brain couldn't wrap it's mind around complex sentences but it could, somewhat, around fashion design.  The fact that I'd passed my Functional Skills with my teachers championing me forward for my GCSE's meant the world to me. But what broke me down was that I wasn't sharing this with my family.  For reasons my brain can't understand but my heart does my family no longer contact me. I hope they are okay, I ...

 I should be asleep. I'm exhausted. But my brain is running around like a dog chasing it's tail. I should get back into meditation. I should exercise. I should do a million other things, but I need to sleep, since I have a long day and an early start. So I find myself flicking through Netflix, looking for something to watch that's under sixty minutes and I find myself clicking onto the true crime segment, which I never usually watch, to be honest. The Paedophile Hunter is 59 minutes and for some reason my brain went yep, that'll work to put you to sleep  and so I put it on. I've copied the synopsis from Google: Following controversial online vigilante Stinson Hunter and his associates, who pose as underage children on social networking sites in order to identify and draw out men they assert have paedophilic predilections. For the record I love psychological thriller movies, and can watch them in the dark but I  always shy away from true crime especially anything reg...